At the beginning of this new year, like many of you, I was reflecting on different areas of my life and one of those areas was my marriage. I shared a couple weeks ago that a habit my husband and I are pursuing this month is to assume positive intent in our relationship and with each other. As important as that is, and it is having a really positive impact on our marriage, we also had other things we needed to work on. We had gotten ourselves into a place where spending time together, just the two of us, had gotten pushed to the bottom of the priority list. We have an incredibly busy family, we both have busy careers, and we started to notice that taking care of each other had taken a back seat to taking care of other people in our lives. This happens very naturally when you have kids and careers that revolve around people, but it can also be a detriment to any marriage if one or both partners feels like they are not a priority. We had gotten into the habit of letting our work day flow into our family time. This looked like both of us being on our phones and/or laptops, constantly checking email and just staying plugged in to work rather than taking time to connect and being present with each other.
It was me who finally brought this up to my husband. We had an honest conversation about the state of our marriage and how we were prioritizing one another in comparison to other aspects of our lives. We both agreed that we had some work to do. My husband is a 3 on the Enneagram (if you are unfamiliar with this, you can read more about it here https://www.enneagraminstitute.com) and so he immediately went into problem solving mode. Pretty quickly we settled on three rituals to start implementing daily, weekly and monthly. I thought I would share them in case anyone else has found their marriage or relationship in this place.
Daily
My parents have a really exceptional marriage. I have always admired how they make time for one another and how they genuinely take care of each other in so many little ways. They have coffee together every morning and time together before dinner every evening. Mike and I decided we would begin to have our own “Jim and Rose time” (those are my parents’ names, so that’s the nick name we gave this ritual) every night or at least the nights where we are both home. Here’s what this looks like for Mike and me. Our goal is 20 minutes. We put our phones away, we put out some nuts or other munchies, Mike usually has a cocktail, and I have something NA (my fave is GRUVI, you can check their NA selections out here https://www.getgruvi.com ) and we just hang out and talk. We are about 6 weeks in to this daily practice and here’s why it’s great. I feel seen, listened to, and connected to my husband, and I know he feels the same.
Weekly
Recently we took the 5 Love Languages quiz again. My number one love language is Acts of Service. It was Mike’s idea to do what he called “Focus Friday.” Remember he’s a 3? This is 15 minutes over coffee early Friday mornings where I actually get to share a few things that I want taken care of around the house that next week. Things like ordering towel hooks for our bathroom, cleaning off the front porch, hanging a mirror in our daughter’s room. Just the little things that are important to me. I felt a little selfish about this one because it was really more about me feeling cared for. But I also know that it’s important to communicate our needs and I feel fortunate that we’ve created time and space for us to share and be heard.
Monthly
We decided to commit to two date nights a month. I know many people try to do weekly, but since neither of us could remember the last time we actually had a date night, we thought it best to set ourselves up for success and set of goal of two a month. To be completely transparent, we only had one in January, but we’ve already had a date night in February so this month is looking good to get in our two. One of the things I really love about date night is when we tell our kids what we are doing. I mentioned my parents and how they have been such an incredible example to us. I want to be that same example for our kids. I want my kids to see us prioritizing our relationship, making time for each other, so they can see what a healthy, loving marriage looks like.
Maybe this sounds a little cheesy to some of you and maybe it is, and that’s ok by me. Because what I know for sure is that having a great marriage takes work, it takes being intentional with our time. It takes two people who are all in. It’s choosing daily to show up for your partner. These three rituals help us to do that better. My encouragement to you all is to find your own rituals that make your marriage stronger, closer, better. It’s work, it takes time, but it’s the best kind of work and the best investment of our time.
We would love to hear from you. If you have habits or rituals that make your relationship stronger, please share in the comments. We sisters can learn a lot from each other!
