I get defensive easily. I’m not proud of it. It doesn’t serve me well at all. I’ve tried to deny it even. But it’s true. And it holds me back from personal and professional growth, true vulnerability, and therefore the gains that can come from that.
I’ve been seeing it for a little while now, but just like anything negative about ourselves, I’ve tried to push it to the side, make excuses for it, justify it for this reason or that. I think I’m finally ready to face it, though. To figure out what makes me this way and what I can do about it.
According to what I’ve been reading, defensiveness comes from emotional, mental, or personality issues or tendencies that develop over the course of a lifetime from feelings of abandonment, inferiority, low self-esteem, etc. Examining my life, I can certainly identify where my defensive behaviors might have come from. But, instead of going down the rabbit hole of what made me this way (this caused that caused this caused that), I really want to focus on how I can be more open in an attempt to help my relationships.
Because open-ness is really the opposite of defensiveness. Hearing a piece of constructive criticism and being able to reply with a willingness to learn more or understand is vastly different than the “I did not, no way, you don’t understand me” response that comes naturally to me.
There’s lots of advice to be found on this topic (which makes me feel better; I’m not the only one who has this issue!) I’m going to talk through some strategies I’ve found that I’m going to try to implement the next time I’m in a situation that would normally cause me to react defensively.
Remind myself of my deepest values. Instead of trying to deny any weakness or wrongdoing, I’m going to remind myself of related areas that I’m really confident in. If it’s a work related issue, I might remind myself that I’m an empathetic listener and a strong advocate for women. If it’s a parenting issue, I’ll focus on my nurturing qualities. Focusing on my strengths will allow me to lower my defenses and be open to listening.
Remember that criticism is often a sign of others’ beliefs in me. For this one, I think I can relate because I do this myself to my kids. I push harder when I know they’re not doing as well as they could. So if I’m faced with some feedback that elicits a defensive response, I can see it being very valuable to remind myself that it’s coming from a place in them that knows that I am capable of better.
I need to cultivate a growth mindset. To channel my energy into self-improvement vs. self-defense. It’s so much easier to go to the “Well at least I didn’t do x, y, z, like so-and-so”, but how much more helpful would it be long-term to ask, “How did (someone you admire) handle a similar thing?” If feedback is meant to be helpful, then I need to let it help me!
Taking a break before responding could change everything for me. I can see the above three strategies being very helpful for me. But I can’t do them if I can’t get through the actual encounter without my defensiveness flaring up. Time. Time is what I need to be able to respond from the rational thinking part of my brain instead of the “fight or flight” brain stem response. Maybe I’ll use filler words or phrases (“Can you elaborate?” “Please go on”) to delay having to really respond. Maybe I’ll just be quiet and let there be some moments of possibly awkward silence. But if I can just take a moment to think, I know I can respond more carefully and keep my defenses from escalating.
My responses need to focus on me, not the other person. “I” statements are key here. (But not “you” statements that are just disguised as “I” statements, like “I’m sorry you don’t understand me”).
I know you’re trying to be helpful.
I am not comfortable with this conversation.
I need to take some time to think about this.
I appreciate your concern.
I am the only one that can control me (and my responses). There’s power for me in knowing that.
Examining ourselves, looking in the mirror, taking an honest look at what we’re doing that may harm our relationships is so difficult. I think we all are just trying to be the very best humans we can be. But I do think there is so much value in honest self reflection. It’s not a sign of weakness to identify areas where you have room for growth. It’s actually the opposite. It takes a strong person to see a roadblock and commit to making a change for the good of their relationships.
I’m thankful for this sisterhood and the freedom to be open and honest. I hope you feel it, too. Is there an area you can identify that you’d like to improve? If you feel safe, please share it here so we can encourage each other.
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